half year summary

After so long being out of virtual world..
hoho...akhirnya internet bener juga... Puji Tuhan :)

So since my last post... many indeed have taken place
Simply said.. my life has taken it's sharpest turn...ever....since my grad day in 2003.
and all the changes has been fully summarised in this month.... mid 2008
june 30th today... half a year has gone by...

I start this year with living Bishan
Small drawer on my left...
Sitting in front of Patricia...
Being a deputy sub unit head....
Hope and fear of a chance of love....

Here I am....living in Purple line
Small drawer on my right
Facing Connie everyday
Sub Unit head under my responsibility
A chance of love ? Can't be more indifferrent...coz nothing more to loose :)
have learned to let go......have step on the courage to embrace the risk of taking a chance of love

Yups...juz like what He said to me..
Which I only come to realise when I called my parents that day..
All this is a mark of the end of my first eight years in Singapore
June 26' 2008 --> happy anniversary to bombie's landing in this land of merlion
never regret this decision :)
a 19 year old girl drawing her dreams then
a 27 year old woman living closer to achieving her dreams now..

This year bible camp song is just so true .... all things are gonna be new this year....
and it confirms me the fact the my early stage of struggles in NUS seems coming back lately :P
as if I'm stepping into a new 8 years ....start from my early NUS days.....
and so I am falling down again.... back to my first love...... my early longings of Him

It has been a great 8 years... It will be too for the next :)
and I am open to changes...whichever way He is carrying me ...
I shall lean on His wings....
Flying high with my King

June 30.2008
Serangoon 418
bie {=^o^=}

Enemies beware

What I face lately has taken up most of mind...
Some of you have known....or even heard it many times...

My world began to pause when all that happened few weeks ago...
In my heart I wish for the world to pause together with me
Coz I can't catch up when I was forcibly made to pause....

But the world never pause
like all that we've heard, said, and happened
Life indeed...always goes on

It feel so much easier telling that to a friend in distress
Of loosing bf/gf, loosing parents, failed exams, stress at work, sickness to battle, financial distress... or anything else
Coz for all the problems I have faced before...it was not that hard for me to move on previously... It took most of the time just a 30% determination.... and 70% action......and here I am.. moving on...

But not this time...
To sum up, this is way much much much tougher quadrupled
and I couldn't get my mind out of it
secretly... I really wish the world can slow down for awhile...
what happen instead : it accellerates..
How many of you realize... this is ...end of May my friend... 5 months of 2008 passed...
and probably my toughest May in my life.. especially with lots of surprises..

Those you depend and defend the most...
Can surprise you with some unthinkable action..
that ....hurts....
Those you don even count on as close friends
May come to your rescue..
that's....very sweet

So there I was thinking so much of wad has happened and how to solve it..wad to do next....and gazillion question marks....
So much thinking that I made lots of mistakes at work when it demands my best currently....
The unplugged that everyone enjoyed.....something I truly anticipated..... was just another day passed by for me......my mind wasn't even there...
I'm absorbed....I juz couldn't be bothered... sometimes it's hard to breathe
tears...are dried up.....
this is bad.... so bad till MC has to arrive in my life...

And my days..
were down..and up....and down..and up...
so is my health.....

Yesterday I was up...
and this morning I was down...
I think negatively..
I didn't fight..
I gave up
I play weak...

So down till I get to a point...
That this cannot last forever...
Time waits for none...
and mostly.. never waited for me..

So I made up my mind..
since nothing has happened yet..
and I could not portray what will happen
I juz have to stand back to the faith that my God is taking control over this..

I have hope for the worst to happen..
But I won't now...
I will hope for the best... the miracle..the magic.... that my God could ever bring me...
I will work with this faith to allow more space for Him to work in my crisis...
I'm presenting Him ... full space...
I have decided...that I want to be His partner in facing these....
and that is ....by standing on my faith...

most of you seen me as a strong woman.. and get shock/confuse to find out how weak I am..
but since you have portrayed as a strong woman...
I might as well got real into the portrayal....

I will be strong.. in Him who strengthen me...
for well indeed I am weak....and my strength comes from one and only Lord...
I won't sit around...and gave up without a good fight...

Feel my fists you enemy... and behold...fear my God
for He is great and greatly to be praised :)
the world tremble at His voice and bow down before His presence
who are we to question at the wonderous way in His creation ?

Beware......my God is with me...
I will allow Him .... to work through me

soon after:
the power of healing start to fall
Grace of faith and strength seeps deep within me

more.... and more... and more Lord :)
I am ready

bombie {=^o^=}
Psalm 37:31- done

ga kuat

Lord...
I cant take any of this anymore...
this is much much way tougher than anything I have ever cross over...
I cant face any of this anymore Father God...

Please.......calm my soul... by my answer.....
my refuge....tower of strength...

for this fear is beyond my limit....
than those I have ever swallowed
it's bitter pill bites me
leaving me shadowed...

Show Your say...
shall come what may
I wont be in dismay
Walking in Your way....

Here in this corner is my heart
full of doubts and thoughts aside
wondering how long more will it last
how will You, bring me to survive this blast ...
what will I learn from all this that's happening so fast ?

bie {=^o^=}

in Jesus name

In Jesus name..
This sentence has never been as soothing as ever.. than that very fateful nite.

2.45 AM, Bishan Street 13th, May 10' 08, in front of my PC
I just came back from Bishan Police Station..
tired, lost, messed up, confused, suspicious, fearful, resentful, relieved at the same time, totally mixed up

it happened all so fast...
and we're lost...how gullible can we be ?
wad was wrong with me earlier ?
that's not my usual style...
a banker for goodness sake ?

I don't know..
I'm lost... cant cry...cant tear...
confused....fully

but it all rest : in HIS name...I rest...
In HIS mighty love...I surrender...
In HIS protection...I'll stay :)

Only by Your supernatural power I may have this life :)
This battle is Yours Lord....I'm out of this field...

and in JESUS mighty name...
I lay this case to Your Hand
God my CEO
God my lawyer
God my lover
God my defender
God my protecter
God my justice
God of righteousness
God of mercy

God my everything...
Amen

bombie {=^o^=}

none

actually...
none :P

don need to read my mind
don ever think of trying...

bombie {=^o^=}

1st time ever

For the first time ever
I finally speak in deep honesty

Last Saturday when I say that there's no one in my heart right at this moment
to the normal extended ELG memberz (which include ELG's Gentlements league)
who happen to bomb everyone that came to the annual meeting the day
I come to realize that I'm speaking it for real
Only after I finish the whole sentence....
and all da way till I reach home...

I admit
I've lied... many times in the past... when I say none.....
it emerge out of my insecurities....

Up to you
to believe it or not this time round

But I know it's for real now..and it shocks me too..
on how good it feels to speak so honestly honest :)
nothing to cover.... none to say :)

the truth.....has set me free :) hihihihi :)

bombie {=^o^=}








but this time around

Then the Lord answer me

Job 38 : 1-7
1> Then The Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said :
2> "Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge? "
3> Now prepare yourself like a man:
I will question you, and you shall answer Me.
4> Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth ?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
5> Who determined its measuremnts ? Surely you know !
Or who stretched the line upon it ?
6> To what were its foundation fastened ?
Or who laid its cornerstone.
7> When the morning stars sang together,
And all the sons of God shouted for joy ?


Job 40 : 1-9
Moreover the Lord Answered Job, and said :
2> " Shall the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him ?
He who rebukes God, let him answer it"

3> Then Job answered the Lord and said :
4> " Behold I am vile, what shall I answer You ?
I lay my hand over my mouth.
5> Once I have spoken but I will not answer:
Yes, twice, but I will proceed no further."

6> The the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said:
7> Now prepare yourself like a man: I will question you and you shall answer Me:
8> " Would you indeed annul My judgement ?
Would you condemn Me that you may be justified ?
9> Have you an arm like God ?
Or can you thunder with a voice like His ?

Job 42 : 1-6
Then Job answered the Lord and said:
2> " I know that You can do everything.
And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.
3> You asked, ' Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?"
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
4> Listen, please, and let me speak:
You said, ' I will question you, and you shall answer Me.'

5> " I have heard of You by hearing of the ear,
But now my eye sees You.
6> Therefore I abhor myself,
And repent in dust and ashes. "

woa...

a test of faith
was once much harder..
yet these days
it comes with questions for a mensa genius
a distance for a marathon runner
and wave as high as 2004 tsunamis

seriously...
I'm not trained for all these
no manual handbook, wykipedia, google search.. wadever u name it..
can seem to bring me to pass...... if not a big Flunk waiting down there...

I know I've been through this "Basic Theory 101"..
and what "Thesis" would be good to apply in this kind of "crisis"
it worked magic previously.......
it sounded lunatic nowadays.........

I did make a decision.....
to pursue and strive my best to survive this test of faith
by standing and believing when times are good
or maybe just being numb when times are bad...

apparently.. it did not last long...
Felt like bleeding all over now... not knowing whether I'll survive to the end....
even a simple questionaire.........brings my guard down to river of misery
all thots running accross my mind
like never ending zig zag line

will I survive ?
I don't noe...

a test of faith has never been harder...
then feeling like u're living in a box of time bomb wrap in perfect gift wrapping
only time ...to me it shall tell.....
when sometimes... time is my hell....


bie {=^o^=}
Don want to hang in here anymore...
Feel like jumping down... and stay my ground....

where's my way out ?

I think I need alot of sleep..
but when it's time to do so.. I juz don feel like sleeping..

Tika's birthday today..
sweet 17... hahaha :).. lama banget yah udah over

in the midst of the celebration...
I receive some news..
Which makes my hopes crushed..
it somehow bring me down to earth..
I should have put my hopes in You...
not in me....

and then those feelings come back
I used to think that my NUS down days were over..
Initially when I started there... it was all gloomy.. I remember having much hard times..
and no one was really literary there...
But when I remember those days.. somehow I always think that maybe it's juz me making small things big that time...
I feel like given the same situation, my current me will just handle it with more confident... nothing much of a big deal anyway...
I was too dramatic that time... that's wad I thot.....

Yet....
I will never forget His hands that saved me.....
Momentz when I was so deep in mud of sorrow...
Are momentz when I discover how safe I am in Him who loved me
I was young... I thot.... and moreover... weak...
in that... He is so strong..
those period...are exactly the period where I count on Him the most .. in my life...

you know what?
this .... down/ sorrow feeling... no matter how bad/ painful/ lost it made feel...
no matter how I feel like it's not right to be so sorrowfull
I'll let it be here.....

coz it strike me again ......when I'm weak...He is strong..
and I'll fall deeper to Him... even more :)

bombie {=^o^=}

:P

Sebagai seorang melankolik...
I am one of the person yg selalu ngaku2 ke orang2...
Kl gua punya radar yg cukup kuat buat ngecek apakah seseorang itu lagi jatuh cinta..
Ga ada yg mungkin ketutup dari mata gua :)

And mungkin dari itulah...my biggest mistake in making assumption..
Dengan asumsi yg sama... gua percaya banget kl mereka2 harusnya tau feeling gua.....
terlebih lagi mereka yg selalu ngaku2 kl mereka adalah orang2 yg sama seperti gua...
jago menebak :) ngakunya seh gitu...
en...kl udah geto.. gua berasumsi....udah harusnya dong mereka jaga baik2 perasaan gua yg konon terkenal sensitive and galak ini :P..

Tp dari yg gua gather....jawabannya cuman satu:
"Gua ga tau kl ternyata feeling itu ada....asli....gua pikir gua tau...ternyata gua ga tau... ya ampun.. kok bisa yah"
dan nasipun jadi bubur...bubur kasih telor jadi bubur telor..tambah ayam lebih enak:P

en selama ini gua tetep question mark: kok bisa seh neh orang2...ngaku2 sensi..padahal kebalnya kayak tembok China... kalah tebel kl tuh tembok:P

and so the conclusion come:
we can always see who is in love with who and how can all that happen..
but when it comes to us......whether we are loving someone...
or being loved by someone..
aren't we ..most of the time.. the last person in the world to realize ?
heh :P.. lucu :P

it applies to you...

it does not apply to me though...
or maybe this is what I believe...that I am not one....
as said... I have radars every way.

but is it so ?
recently.....
kayaknya gua udah join the rest of the world....downgrade ketajeman gua...
jd org yg blur karena cinta..or maybe cuman perasaan aja
tambah lagi semua dinding protection yg ada..
en segala macam tanda tanya..

males ah :)......

yg kumau... just a mature love :P..
yg simple aja deh.. indah di waktuNya..
no need drama rama mama....
it's so over...

my primary 5 first love moment is so over..

jadi..yg simple aja yah Bapa :)
capek struggle terus :)


lissa {=^o^=}